We’ve teamed up with the folks at UNiDays to bring you stories about all the stuff you go through when you're studying. Did you know UNiDAYS members can nab a 15 per cent discount on their frankie magazine subscriptions? Well, now you do. Check the bottom of the story for more deets.

As a long-time vintage shopper, I have 20 years’ experience in op shops, market stalls and online sales. When some of you were a twinkle in your mother’s ovary I was scouring eBay for vintage jackets to impress a girl at school whom I had a crush on and who never spoke to me. Before smartphones, online banking and Depop, I’d trek 20 minutes on the bus to deposit cash into a seller’s account and eagerly await shipping. This is a roundabout way of saying that yes, I am old, so respect me (please?). In recent years I’ve noticed a marked decline in the quality of listings so I encourage any current or future sellers to take note of the following tips. PS I am not a crackpot.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION If the only photo you have of the item is a blurry snap of you wearing it in a sweaty crowd during a festival, it’s worth taking five minutes to take a new photo before listing. While the dexterity is impressive, I don’t want to see you double-fisting energy drinks and disposable vapes while visibly sweating in this dress, pupils dilated to the point of medical concern. If I can smell the photo, take a new pic – and for the love of god, wash it first.

THE DEVIL’S IN THE (LACK OF) DETAIL I’ve contacted sellers to ask for specific measurements and the vast majority reply “I don’t know.” With sincerity: measuring tape is inexpensive. Put as much information in your listing as possible so elder millennials don’t pester you. Help me help you. Back in the day even the most hobbyist of sellers would include information on size, fit and fabric, and oh dear, I’ve had a fall, can someone please help me up.

WORDS HAVE DEFINITIONS ‘Leather’ does not mean flammable plastic. ‘Silk’ does not mean satin. ‘Lightly worn’ does not mean soiled, ripped and shrunk out of shape. ‘Condescending’ means having an attitude of patronising superiority, and with every incorrectly listed item my soul grows wearier.

SIZE DOES MATTER Let us agree once and for all: there is not and never will be “one size fits all”. And while sizing is notoriously inconsistent, don’t just make stuff up. A boy’s 12 is not equivalent to a woman’s S. You know what me and 12-year-old boys have in common? Truthfully: eating two-minute noodles, having a screen addiction and probably lots of stuff, but it’s certainly not having an amazing rack.

REPAIR BEFORE RESELL In school I allegedly learnt how to use a sewing machine but all I actually learnt was that Mrs Rooney is very patient with bumbling oafs who almost break equipment by threading it incorrectly and making piping hot knots of thread instead of the boxer shorts we were meant to create. This is to say not all of us are crafty or handy. But you know who is? The tailor nearby who hems trousers for $10. Whenever you sell an item because the legs are too long, Mrs Rooney loses a year off her life. I don’t know why but that’s how it works so just go to a seamstress first.

ONLY BUY WHEN YOU NEED TO “Worn once for a photoshoot” is a soberingly common phrase on Depop when screenshots indicate that the ‘shoot’ was just a single photo for Instagram. It’s depressing when influencers do it and it’s even more depressing when someone with 150 followers does it. You’re not an influencer, diva (this is a compliment).

NO ONE WANTS YOUR STAINED SHEIN A microplastic singlet you bought for $4 that was made in a sweatshop is objectively trash to begin with. I promised myself I’d only say, “Tell him he’s dreaming” once, and I’ve saved it for this. I’m not encouraging adding to landfill, and that’s where a whole lot of fast fashion ends up. No one will buy your pre-loved misshapen, flammable jumpsuit so skip the step where you end up binning it, and don’t buy it in the first place.

DROP THE OVER-FAMILIARITY “Babe,” “Hon,” “Sweetie” – OK, you got me; I actually love over-familiarity. When younger people call me babe it gives me power and fortitude to face another day on this stinking planet. Just complement the compliments with accurate listings and we’ll all be much happier. Thank you, five stars, will buy again! Xoxox

Thanks to the kind types at UNiDAYS, uni students can nab 15 per cent off their frankie subscriptions. Just click here, then register or log in using your UNiDAYS member details. Easy as!

This story comes straight from the pages of issue 128. To get your mitts on a copy, swing past the frankie shop, subscribe or visit one of our lovely stockists.