Asexuality is often considered not ‘gay enough’ for queer spaces and not ‘straight enough’ to belong in heteronormative society, and it seems to exist in this other sector entirely where we are deemed as ‘nothing’. Perhaps Todd Chavez from BoJack Horseman put it best when he knowingly said, “I’m not gay. I mean, I don’t think I am, but… I don’t think I’m straight, either. I don’t know what I am. I think I might be nothing." This line perfectly encapsulates my own experience regarding my own asexuality.

Every time I hear someone leave out the ‘A’ when speaking the acronym for the queer community (LGBTQIAP+) I feel my relevance in the queer community being erased. Asexuality feels something of a lost letter when discussing queerness, as people can mistake the ‘A’ for allies, or it’s not even known at all.

I remember during my teenage years all of my friends were coming out, going out and experimenting with their sexuality, while I was usually at home rewatching Gilmore Girls for the millionth time. I never quite understood the discussions at pres when everyone would chat about who they wanted to hook up with, and whenever I was inevitably questioned as to why I wasn’t keen on anyone, more often than not I would deflect by quoting Cher Horowitz and state that “I’m not a prude, I’m just highly selective” when in reality, I had never felt any semblance of attraction to anyone (although I relate more to the quote “virgin who can’t drive” these days.)

If it wasn’t for one night back in the 2020 lockdown when I was down a YouTube rabbit hole, I am unsure if I would have ever figured out that I was asexual. In fact, I don’t think that I had even heard the term ‘asexual’ outside of it being the butt of a joke.

Since I made this discovery, however, I have become frustrated with how little asexuality is discussed, especially in queer spaces. I spent years questioning my identity, always knowing deep down that I did not experience attraction like the other people I knew, but there was no space for me to question or grapple with what that could mean. The thought of asexuality never even crossed my mind due to such little representation and discussion of it.

I strongly believe that the lack of asexual representation in society comes down to the very simple fact that sex is one of the most lucrative commodities sold, and if a person or a group is mostly devoid of sex then they are not viewed as a valuable demographic. Queerness in this modern day is often viewed as a commodity, and not a genuine way of life. From tokenistic media representations to rainbow capitalism, there is no shortage of problematic behaviours that queer people are subjected to. Still, society views them as a valuable demographic and I believe that this is in no small part due to the inherent sexuality that can come from defining your queerness by attraction only.

There also just seems to be a general lack of knowledge around anything to do with asexuality in the general zeitgeist. Misinformation spreads like wildfire as many people believe that asexual people never have sex – which is false, asexuality is a spectrum! Others also believe that asexual people are not discriminated against, which is clearly disproven by this 2012 study.

So, where do we go from here?

I believe that a vital next step is amplifying asexual voices, both in mainstream media as well as in our everyday lives. We, as a society, will likely have an asexual awakening when a major public figure comes out as asexual, which will cause a ripple effect of asexual representation and discourse. But until that day comes, I will be typing away and sharing my story and experience as a young asexual girlie because I don’t want to wait for my story to finally be deemed ‘worthy’ of telling by someone else.