HOW TO BROACH THE CONVERSATION You need to just start. A lot of people think they want to have these tough conversations, but that’s where it stays. They don’t actually start it, because starting the conversation is going to be scary – they’re not sure how the person might respond and they’re not sure what the consequences are going to be. There’s often no good time to have these hard conversations. Sure, be aware of timing – as a person’s about to walk out the door is not the exact right time to start it, but starting is key. 

HOW TO BE A GOOD LISTENER Ask questions you’re genuinely interested in knowing the answer to. Most of us spend a lot of time asking questions that we don’t really care what the answers are, as we’re just being polite. And then when you ask the question, listen to what they say. Shut up and actually listen. While the person’s talking, don’t fill your brain with what you think your next comment or question is going to be – or even worse, the solution. The more you’re quiet, the more they’ll fill in those gaps and tell you things. Nod along and let the person know that you’re actually hearing what they’re saying. There’s nothing nicer than having someone be genuinely interested in you.

HOW TO ASK TO LEARN, NOT CRITICISE Ask questions to understand rather than judge. For example, if I’m interviewing a person about golden showers, or someone who has cheated on their partner, I ask questions to understand the person’s motives and their values and their experiences, rather than ask questions to interrogate this person or put them in their place. Come from a place of “Teach me about what it is like to be you,” as opposed to “Oh my god, this person’s so gross.” I think if you are genuinely curious to understand the ‘why’, people will feel that. “Teach me about what it’s like to hurt the person you love,” as opposed to, “How could you hurt the person that you love?”

HOW TO LEAD WITH EMPATHY Empathy is about what it’s like to stand in that person’s shoes. Empathy is not about agreeing with a person, or compassion or sympathy. It’s about understanding how that person sees the world. See it as: what can I learn from this person? So, for example, how do you empathise with someone who has cheated? For some people, cheating on their partner is a big mistake. I’ve experienced making a mistake, so I can identify with those feelings, even if I don’t agree with it. I get to learn about things that no one wants to talk about, because they’re like, “This person’s a disgrace; I’m not going to talk to them.” I want to know that person’s perspective and see what I can learn from them.

HOW TO NOT LEAVE SOMEONE FEELING VULNERABLE Some of the people I speak to are vulnerable, so I’m very aware of not putting someone in a place where they're more vulnerable leaving the interaction than when they came in. How I finish the interaction is important, so I ask them questions about growth and wisdom, where they’re talking about their learnings. You can ask, “How do you feel about that question I just asked you? Are you OK to keep going on? I know this is sensitive stuff.” Maybe it’s acknowledging what’s happening in that moment.

Watch You Can’t Ask That and I Was Actually There on ABC iview.

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