I totally understand if you arrived here hoping for a list of super-fast sexual encounters in books (also, if you find such a list, send it to me), but today we’re actually talking books that won’t take forever to read. You know – sometimes you’re slammed at work, or you’ve just had a bub, or you don’t like long-term relationships of any kind, and need a scrawny paperback to flick through.

If you’re looking for something to consume speedily, you’re probably someone who really values their time. You probably want to know EXACTLY HOW LONG it might take to read each of these books. Luckily, all I want to do is cater to efficient, exacting people who love a good book! I’ve broken down “quick” into even more specific categories for you, and have reading suggestions for each. Here we go.



Something to read in the lift at work: Wow, you really don’t mess around, do you? Well, you could try reading some classic haiku by the 17th century Japanese poet Basho. There’s a collection of his poems called Moon Woke Me Up Nine Times, which I really like. It’s 128 pages, but each page only has three lines on it. Problem is, the haiku are so beautiful and appreciative of nature that you’ll probably want to get straight out of the lift and hang out at the park all day, trying to see if you can hear the trees whispering.

Something to read while you’re on the train: I hate it when people say “I do all my reading on the train”. Is that really possible? By the time I’ve glared at the other person threatening to take the last empty seat, checked for gum on said seat, and had a scroll through my social media, I only have something like seven minutes to actually do any reading on public transport. Anyway, if you are one of these ridiculously productive people, then you could try Diane Williams’s Fine, Fine, Fine, Fine, Fine, a collection of super-short stories. Each story is only two or three pages, and they’re dry, weird and thought-provoking, kind of like a zen koans or Ikea instructions.

Something to read while you are eating breakfast: I remember when I was a kid, if I found a book I desperately loved, I would take it everywhere – to the bathroom, to bed, to the dinner table. Once into the shower, and that didn’t end well. So maybe you could try a book for children, like Molly and Pim and the Millions of Stars by Martine Murray. This one is an enchanting little tale about a girl whose mum turns into a tree, which, as you can imagine, is a bit of a pain.

Something to read while waiting at the doctor’s office: You probably don’t want anything too anxiety-inducing, since you’re already hanging out in no-one’s favourite place. Obviously, there are 4426 things you would rather be doing than checking out old issues of Women’s Weekly. What about bringing Findings by Rafil Kroll-Zaidi and Graham Roumieu with you? Based on a Harper’s Magazine column about those scientific findings that make you say “hmmmmm” (e.g. “Rats have neurons that track time spent and distance travelled on a treadmill”), it comes with some very entertaining drawings of cat scientists and silly nature facts.

Something to read on the weekend when you want to feel relaxed but you also have to help your sister move house: Urghhhhhhhhh, you really needed this weekend off just to chill and pat dogs, but four months ago you told your sister you didn’t have any plans and she roped you in as a temporary manual labourer. Dammit! Blood ties are the worst. Don’t despair – read Nora Ephron’s Heartburn. Man, I love this book. It’s so funny. It’ll take you as long to read as it takes to watch When Harry Met Sally, and it’s got the same deliciously silly vibe. And because it’s so short, you’ll be able to feel like you’ve done something fun on Saturday, as well as being a virtuous person who holds up their end of enforced sibling duties.

Something to read when you have accidentally been on Facebook for an hour before bed and are trying to pretend you’ve been reading a book that whole time, but let’s be real, you’re really sleepy and probably only have five more minutes of brain function left: First of all, you should download one of those apps that restricts access to social media, because they totally work. Second of all, try reading Our Souls at Night by Kent Haruf, because it’s not very long and it’s about a widow in a small town, who asks her neighbour if she can just sleep with him sometimes. Not like THAT, okay? Real sleeping. Good night! I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.