I know someone who’s always struggled to see things through. At uni, she’d attend all classes and enjoy the content, but leave assignments to the last minute. She frequently bails on social events. She doesn’t go for promotions or apply for jobs she’d be good at. Her life is kinda messy. Like her hair.

Please be seated for this next part because it contains a Shyamalan-level twist. That’s right, reader – that person is me. This in itself isn’t shocking – a lot of people feel a bit chaotic and out of sorts. But what surprised me was learning the reason behind a lot of my behaviour: perfectionism. When I first heard this, I laughed. How can I be a perfectionist when I don’t do anything perfectly?  

A lot of the time, perfectionism looks like the opposite of what we’d think: ‘laziness’, lack of drive, avoidance. Why? Because there’s no point in doing something if it isn’t done right. I don’t truly believe this, but that’s how it unconsciously plays out in my mind. This trait emerges in minor things (cooking, styling hair) and bigger things (relationships, styling hair). Fleeing budding romances because you aren’t confident problems can be worked through, so you don’t give them a chance. Not going for a dream job because you don’t meet 100 per cent of the criteria (it won’t surprise you to learn that women are more likely to do this).

Once I realised my perfectionist ways, it shifted something in my small, smooth brain and resulted in a minor breakdown. But as I like to say to myself while I cry into the mirror and my housemates mutter to each other: breakdowns lead to breakthroughs! Here’s what I’ve learnt, and what I’m still learning to do.

First, I realised perfectionism’s greatest fear is failure (and for me, that’s connected to fear of judgment from others). You can’t fail if you haven’t tried, right? Sure, technically. But if everyone lived this way, nobody would do anything. If everyone avoided a task until they felt it was at its best, or they were at their best, virtually nothing would happen. We’d all sit at home unmoving like malfunctioning Sims waiting for a command.

Challenging this fear means actively doing things you know you won’t do perfectly. Forcing yourself to see it will be OK. Start small: cook something unfamiliar. Do a gym class you’ve never tried. Meet up with a friend without fussing over your appearance or what you’ll say. Spontaneity is key, because when you have less time to plan, this bothers the perfectionist part of your brain. Yuck! Stressful! But it’s the only way through. The other day I made breakfast for someone and it was objectively bad (I cannot cook). Nothing terrible happened. As I laughed through chewing the rubbery eggs, it oddly felt like a win.

My biggest realisation was that nobody is perfect. Mary Poppins was lying when she read her height chart that stated she was “practically perfect in every way”, and those children should have pushed her out the window sans magic umbrella. The truth is most people are operating at a frequency far below their subjective ‘best’. Think about new parents going to work on zero sleep, or people with chronic health issues that affect them daily. I’ve accepted that I’ll feel awkward or anxious at most social events, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t turn up.

We’re human. We’re exhausted and stressed. This can be either depressing or comforting – and I choose comforting. I haven’t cured myself of perfectionism yet, but I’m chucking out ‘perfect’ and aiming for ‘good enough’. Who’s with me?

This story comes straight from the pages of issue 114. To get your mitts on a copy, swing past the frankie shop, subscribe or visit one of our lovely stockists.