what i learnt from 'gentle parenting' my parents

You’re happily spreading peanut butter on toast when you hear a thud. You turn your head to see two kilograms of rolled oats spilt all over the bench, floor and amazingly, throughout the leaves and soil of your favourite indoor plant. Your child – who you now notice has train stickers stuck to the entire surface area of his face – has upended the entire contents of a large plastic tub of high-quality oats and made it rain throughout the whole kitchen. What is your immediate response? For me, it’s “FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!” at quite a loud decibel level. But that is not what I say. I say, “Oh, it looks like we need to get the dustpan and shovel,” in a tone that is equal parts calm and dead inside.

Such is the influence of ‘gentle parenting’. If you’ve never come across it, the basic idea is to try and parent without shame, blame or judgement and instead focus on empathy and respect, while still holding clearly communicated boundaries. It’s challenging, but I think it’s made me a better parent. The weird thing is, lately I’ve realised it’s not just a kid thing. I seem to be gentle-parenting adults, including my own goddamn parents! Is this even legal? Is it OK to gentle-parent my parents?

When my mum or dad talk to me about something that’s causing them stress or frustration, usually my first response is to try and fix it or tell them it’s not that bad by putting it in perspective (not helpful). But a big part of gentle parenting is validating your kids’ emotions. So, saying stuff like, “Yeah, that’s so frustrating your ‘cow-skeleton farm tractor’ you made with magnetic tiles broke when you slammed that five-kilogram bag of quinoa into it! I’d feel frustrated too!” And lately I’ve realised the vice-like grip gentle parenting has on the way I want to raise my son has seen me adapt these techniques to interpersonal and workplace conversations with my parents too – with not-terrible results. Who would have thought it actually enables them to feel better because their emotions are validated and they’re given the time and space to share more? Not me!

Gentle parenting can sound very calm and ‘my-child-only-wears-organic-linen’, but to be clear, I am not actually a ‘chill’ person. Extreme reactions, especially frustration and anger, are my natural state when something doesn’t go as planned. It’s the people closest to me (like my parents) who cop these rude and reactionary responses. I’m definitely the rudest person in my family dynamic, but to be fair, I kiiiiind of learnt it from them.

I’m not saying they were super-reactionary in a bad way or anything, but my mum’s response to problems was to instantly try and fix them for me (bless) and my dad’s response to frustration was anger, until we took the piss and he started laughing (also bless). So these are the responses that come naturally to me – albeit in a more extreme way – and what I’m actively trying to not pass on to my child.

I don’t know if it’s the right approach. I get walked over a little. This is because I always forget the ‘enforce boundaries’ part of gentle parenting. That’s when you say, “I can’t let you hit the floor with a rolling pin; use this spatula instead!” or, “I don’t want you to gaffer-tape your library books together because it wrecks them. This painter’s tape will be more gentle.” Fun, such fun.

To be fair, boundaries are a foreign concept to me in general. I remember thinking it was weird that my parents didn’t set a particular time I should be home like all of my other friends or tell me that I couldn’t drink a whole 1.25L bottle of Solo from my grandma’s fridge every visit. Perhaps they never had boundaries? Well, they will now that their gentle-parenting child is on the scene. When they tell me to “remind them again closer to the date” about some restaurant I’ve booked in, I will now remind them that they can put it in their diary or calendar to help them remember (but of course I will also remind them because I’m a pushover).

This story was featured in frankie issue 123. To get your mitts on a copy, swing past the frankie shop or visit one of our lovely stockists. To nab future issues, subscribe here.