debate: should you call out problematic rellies at christmas?

Keep the peace, says Nicole Madigan
Ever since I was a kid, Christmas has been my happy place. Yes, I am aware, Christmas is not a place, but you get the idea. There’s just something magical about it. The gaudy decorations, the fairy lights, Michael Bublé! Everyone’s a little bit lighter, their steps a bit bouncier, their hearts a tad more joyful. It’s a welcome reprieve from the all-consuming experience of, well, life.

By the time the holidays come around, most people are in need of a solid dose of festive cheer. This year has been a big one – politically, socially, and for me, personally. Most people I know are exhausted. Worn out from striving, from pushing, from advocating. From learning and educating and trying to avoid an existential crisis as they grapple with the seemingly endless list of social justice issues facing our world. God knows, there’s been plenty on the agenda – this year has been a doozy.

I’m a board member and ambassador of domestic violence charity Friends with Dignity.  I proactively advocate against domestic and family violence, and most of my family are all too familiar with my oft-stood-on feminist soapbox. I’ll stand on a few others too, from time to time. I am a journalist, after all. Educating the masses (family, friends and anyone who will listen) is important work, but boy, is it exhausting.

That’s why I say, let’s give ourselves a break. A genuine, guilt-free break, these holidays. At least for 24 hours. A break from all that educating and advocating, from teaching your Aunt Jill that her so-called centrist views are actually a little bit racist, or that Grandpa Jo’s love of traditional gender roles (as he refuses to clear the table) is downright offensive.

Instead, why not practise the art of the nod/smile (grimace?), and enjoy some sliced ham, fresh prawns and a few champers without the burden of the greater good. Just for one day. Just as they say a bit of ‘me-time’ makes you a better parent/sibling/friend, perhaps a day off from solving life’s seemingly endless injustices is just what you need to tackle the world’s problems – and your ignorant family and friends – with gusto in the new year.

Of course, it’s not always easy to listen to someone spouting views that offend you. To keep quiet. Especially when you’re used to speaking up. Or you’re particularly passionate about something. But remember: it’s OK to spend time with people you don’t agree with on everything. We aren’t all the same. And we don’t have to be. Especially on Christmas Day.

Heck, you can even make a few mental notes, written ones even, so you know what points you need to make next time everyone gets together on a not-so-special occasion. And if their views are that on the nose, chances are you won’t be seeing them for quite some time anyway.

If all else fails, well, think of your mum (and perhaps your dad, if your parents do share the mental and physical load). She (or they!) has probably spent Christmas Eve and most of Christmas morning prepping and cooking and tidying the house, all for the love of family. 

Let her enjoy the day without the anxiety of family conflict. Think of it as a gift to the woman who birthed you. Because if anyone deserves some love and compassion on Christmas Day, it’s your mum. 

Grab the pitchforks, says Ellie Aldridge
I should start by saying that I don’t come from one of those big, happy families. I can’t relate to friends who caption pictures of their loved-up parents with a wholesome “These two! <3”. Or people who spend their holidays having water-pistol fights and making human pyramids with a motley crew of adorable cousins. (If that’s your family… how?! And also, please adopt me!)

My family events are usually awkward, stilted affairs, where people who don’t normally hang out come together out of obligation, forced to confront the fact that they’re bound by BLOOD and/or the LAW to a bunch of weirdos. Even before we get to politics or other touchy subjects, we’re already dealing with warring cliques, quietly muttered criticisms and tight-lipped disagreements about why Uncle X is late again and what Aunty Y said that one time to Aunty Z.

So, personally, I never feel too bad about bringing some righteous heat to a family get-together that’s already simmering with decades of tension and resentment. Let’s just have it out, I say! Why not spice up an already cursed gathering for the *ultimate* cause – a fairer and more perfect world?

Calling out a relative is a lot like popping an angry, painful pimple. People will tell you to leave it alone – that there’s no reason to get anyone riled up over some “casual” racism or “light-hearted” jibes about your appearance. But we all know that some light scarring is worth the satisfaction of releasing uncomfortable pressure and extracting all that putrid gunk from your face. It’ll hurt, and you might even feel bad or guilty, but you can’t just let it sit there and fester!

So, you’ve got a homophobic grandma, a cousin who dabbles in misogynist conspiracy theories, or an uncle who doesn’t get why [insert group of people] always [insert normal human behaviour]. Maybe your mum has made another passive-aggressive remark about your sister needing to “walk off” Christmas dinner. If you let that stuff go unchecked, you give them a pass to keep thinking it’s OK. You’re also showing everyone around you that you’d rather be polite than do the right thing.

People need to know when they’re being arseholes, and it’s your job as their family member to tell them something a friend or acquaintance wouldn’t. And it’s especially your job if you’re not from a group directly affected by a family member’s problematic comments. Studies show that it means more coming from you than a random commentator on the telly, and you do people a disservice when you don’t tell them about something that has genuinely upset you.

Obviously, no one wants holidays to end in tears or ugly arguments, and you probably don’t need to get into a heated debate with your feeble, 98-year-old grandma over a passing comment (unless she’s literally on her way to the polls). If you’re at your in-laws, it might be best for you to encourage your partner to fight the good fight.

There’s a spectrum, and it’s up to you to judge whether calling out is something you can do safely, and how best to go about it. If confrontation freaks you out, and you don’t think you’re silver-tongued enough for an argument, start with something simple like, “That’s a really messed-up thing to say.”

There’s a big difference, too, between a well-intentioned relative who’s been misinformed by a Facebook post (listen respectfully and try to talk it out) and another who uses a racist slur. When that happens, feel free to call them a dick.

This story originally appeared in issue 117.